Fuck you, you were funny.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 | 0 Comments

I am officially in mourning. As I was surfing my blog contacts I ran into some very tragic news from The Doc at Doctor Teeth's Electric Mayhem :Mitch Hedberg died last Wednesday (please visit The Doc's blog for a far more eloquent goodbye to Mitch than I am about to give). If you don't know who Mitch was you are missing out on one of the greatest comedic talents ever. He was a very shy man, but didn't let that stop him from getting on stage to share his bizarre views of the world to anyone who would listen. He had a quiet, quirky beat to his joketelling that really could never be replicated. He died at the age of 37 of heart failure probably due to a heart defect that he had had since birth (possibly complicated by his frequent drug use, but that has not been confirmed). I personally felt a deep loss upon reading of his death, but as a family tradition we are to remember the good times (I'm part Irish) so here are some of the good times I've had with Mitch, never knew him personally- just really enjoyed his work, that I'd like to share with all of you:

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'

I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said 'Try it with turkey and cheese.' 'Try it with peanut butter.' Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: 'Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz.' I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.

I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done....who knows?

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way,", so I said "Go to hell", and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of cranium accessories." (crowd laughs) You guys are smart, when I do the dumber crowds, I have to say "Hey man, you've got a lot of shit on your head!"

I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ..."

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of yous... and feed you a leaf."

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!" That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, that is free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

Acid was my favorite drug. When me and my friends would trip on acid, we used to go into the woods, cause there was less of a chance that we'd run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear, that was even more of a buzz-kill. There was my friend Duane, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he puts his arm around me and says "Mitchel, Smokey is way more intense in person."

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I hate turtlenecks. It's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

And his signature sometime finale: Fuck you, that was funny. I will miss his unique humor. There will never be another Mitch Hedberg.
If you would like to know more about him or hear some of his comedy being performed please visit these sites: Mitch Hedberg's Official Website, Quotes from Mitch, More Quotes fromMitch, NPR Audio.


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Blogger evilsciencechick said...

I love mitch hedberg. When I heard about his death last week, I was so hoping it was a very poor taste april fool joke.

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would be mad at me if she heard that."

April 06, 2005 12:54 PM

Blogger Vanessa said...

I had never heard of Mitch Hedberg until your commemoration. His stuff is funny! I love comedians. I just read that Phyllis Diller has a new memoir out about her life and jokes. Two very different comedians, admittedly, but both occupy an original niche.

April 06, 2005 5:49 PM

Blogger sideshow bob said...

It seems like being funny and talented and nice is a sentence to an early death. Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, and now Mitchell. Maybe that's why Bill Murray is a jerk...he knows the score.

April 07, 2005 12:05 AM

Blogger Shannon said...

I'd also never heard of Mitch Hedberg. Looks like I'll be getting to know his work a little better no that he's dead.

I laughed out loud at work, a dangerous this to do when blogging and your co-workers ask "what's so funny?"

April 07, 2005 11:20 AM

Blogger Katrina said...

Awww...that's so sad.

April 08, 2005 3:12 PM

Blogger TomPaine said...

I've seen Mitch on Comedy Central before and I rated him up there with Lewis Black. He had a very unique delivery and I thought he was hilarious. I'm sad to hear he died and this is the first place I heard it...I've been stuck in the field for 30days and cut off from the news. Just reading his material, while it is funny, is just not as good as seeing him actually do it.

April 09, 2005 2:31 AM

Blogger Sylvana said...

TomPaine I totally agree with you. You really do have to hear his delivery. When I read the jokes, I can still hear him telling them; but for those that have never heard him perform, I highly recommend listening to a recording. The NPR link has little bits of his performances that will give you a taste of his style.

April 09, 2005 2:47 AM

Blogger Chemical Billy said...

Thank you so much. These bits had me laughing aloud, alone in my flat.

A fitting send-off.

April 10, 2005 1:20 AM