I nearly took a coworker's head off today.

Seriously. She does not know how close she came to death at my hands.

She said to me that she and another worker found a bunch of my friend K's school work and personal items that she had left on the computer and they DELETED IT ALL!! She was all proud of herself because she thought that she had done a fabulous thing to try and protect J and others, but those items were not theirs to delete and it was not up to them to decide whether anyone else should see them or not! She told me about a picture in particular that they found "offensive" and "inappropriate" and didn't think that anyone else should see it because it was a self portrait photograph in which K depicted herself committing suicide.

I was so angry I couldn't speak. HOW DARE THEY! They knew her but they didn't really know her. And this is precisely why. That picture was K's way of communicating and they were trying to silence her. They didn't really want to know what was going on with her. K knew that people would only accept the pieces of her that were "acceptable". She felt that many people might find the truth about her "offensive". This just led to her becoming extremely secretive and a damn fine actress. She was so afraid of getting that rejection that she would not let people in. And since people did not know what was going on, she had trouble getting the help that she desperately needed.

She was so good at faking it that most people are convinced that it was a car accident. It was not an accident. I was one of the few people she trusted enough to see some of those other pieces of her. The kind of pieces that these coworkers were trying to erase.

I say "trying" because they didn't really succeed. They didn't realize that just deleting items does not destroy the items. I was able to recover everything.

And I saw the picture. The scene is of her delicate body slumped and bloody against a wall with a gun falling out of her hand. It was both beautiful and sad. She looked graceful and serene even among the violence of the act. And in a strange way it was comforting. She had taken that picture last fall. Although I was already aware that she had been having problems for years, I realize now that this desperation has been going on a lot longer than a few months. She was in a much deeper level of depression than I had thought. Which means that there really wasn't much we could do short of committing her and forcing drugs on her. Her pain had become so great a burden to her that she desperately needed peace. Seeing that portrait in a way has lifted a burden from me. And those girls almost took that away from me.


sands of time said...

It's sad that sometimes we don't realise how sad someone close is.I'm glad yu recovered it.


Elizabeth said...

So sorry to hear that you not only lost a friend but some bits she left behind as well. You're right, they shouldn't have done it. Sigh.