Go here for the long version instead.
My best friend back home - we'll call her Punky because she always reminded me of Punky Brewster--- has been frustrating me. I really don't even know where to begin. Everything that is happening now is really built upon things that have happened in the past - so to truly understand it all, you'd almost need to know the whole story. But that would take too long, so I will do what I can with as little of the whole story as I can.
She came to my graduation which I was very grateful for. At my graduation Punky made a huge deal about how she missed me so much and how she was sad that she didn't have me in her life more. She made a point to say in front of everyone that now that she had come all the way down to see my home that I would have to be sure to stop and see hers the next time I came to visit the North Woods. That sounds reasonable, right? Well, yeah it would be except she was leaving out a very crucial piece of the story - every time that I go up I try to get together and every time she is either no where to be found or we actually make plans and then she never shows up or cancels. So I'm really irritated that she makes it sound like it is my fault that we don't get to see each other more often. I go up there at least 3 times a year and almost every time I try to set some time up to go see her. In the last four years I have been able to see her twice. She's always got some excuse, and I never see it being a good one.
So I tell her at my party that I always go up there for the 4th since they have such great fireworks there. So it is settled. We will get together for the 4th. I called her about two weeks before the holiday to remind her that I would be coming up. She tells me to call her the week before so that we can work out which day we can get together. I do call her the week before. Her son tells me that he will have her call me back. I wait a couple of days and call her back. No one answers this time. I call almost everyday and even try to get a hold of her once I have arrived in town - no one answers. I later found out that she went to Arizona. Now, wouldn't you know that you were going as far as Arizona some time in advance? And even if you were leaving on short notice, wouldn't it occur to you to call the friend that you had set up plans with; especially the friend that you have perpetually stood up for years?
So whatever, I let it slide, like I usually do. I told her that we would not be coming back up until Thanksgiving. She told me that she was coming to the Twin Cities to pick up her step kid and she would be able to stop and see me along the way. I made sure not to make plans that weekend. She never showed up. I got a hold of her the following week and she said that his mom ended up meeting her halfway, so she didn't make it that far down. Again, you couldn't call?
The last time that we talked she told me how she missed me so much. She was practically crying when she told me how awful she thought it was that our kids didn't even know each other. I told her that was the way that it would be because we just lived so far apart. She said that she wished that we lived closer together so that we could see each other more often. "Make sure that you call to let me know the next time that you will be in town! We have to get together!" she said.
So I called her last week to let her know that we would be in town for Thanksgiving. We set a time to get together so that I could come see her place and her kids. Since I had never been out to her new place, she was going to come into town to get us after she got done with work at noon and we would follow her out there. SSB woke up that morning with a really bad cold, so we had to run to the store for some medicine. I called her to let her know what we were doing in case we weren't back before she arrived.
"Oh, uh, my littlest is sick. She's throwing up. You guys might get sick if you come out."
"That's OK. We'll just come out for a little bit and we won't go in the house. You can just show us the barn and stuff."
"Uh, yeah, I just don't know…it's just such a mess here. I'm cleaning up puke, and another of my calves died last night. I just don't know if you want to come out."
"I do want to come out. I can just come out for a little bit-"
"Well, it's such a mess here. I had all those people over yesterday and my kid is sick and I have to do something with that calf. I'm never buying a calf from there again-"
"I don't care if the house is messy. It doesn't matter to me if things are hectic. It sounds like you could use some help. I still want to come over."
"I don't want you guys getting sick or being-"
"Is it that you don't want me coming out? Do you not want me to come out? Just say that then. Just say that you don't want me to come out there."
"Hey, I love you! I really do! And I really do want you to come and visit, but it is just not a good time right now. How long are you staying?"
"We are leaving tomorrow. I already have plans to go shopping tomorrow and tonight-"
"Come out tonight. We can get together tonight."
"I already have plans to go see my grandma tonight."
"Well, you can come out tonight. I can show you my place. It will be great-"
"I have to visit my grandma tonight."
"When do you think that you will get back? You could come over after."
"I'm not sure. Look, just give me a call tonight and we'll see if it works out."
ARGH!!! What am I going to do with her? I made my plans with her first to make certain that I could go see her. I made all my plans around going and seeing her. I can't just drop everything because she wants to change that- to stand me up again.
I did get together with her on the 4th a few years back. She had bought a three story farm house with 10 acres for practically nothing. Seriously! I think she said that she paid $15,000 for it. NO KIDDING! Sure it needed work, but it was a steal! We went out to look at the work that she had been doing on it. We sat around on the second floor with the space heater going talking about old times and all the stupid, fun stuff we did when we were young. I told her the next time that we would be up was Labor Day, and we were planning on getting together again then.
I called her the week before I was coming up. Her phone had been disconnected. I figured that she had got enough of the work done at the farm to finally move out there. So I called her parents' house.
"Oh, she moved in with her husband. It was such a beautiful wedding! Everyone was there…"
Who the hell was she talking about? I had just seen Punky two months ago. She wasn't even seeing anyone. MARRIED? And why didn't she tell me? I'm supposed to be her best friend! Her mom gave me her new phone number, but I knew that if I called her I would just go off on her; so I didn't call her - for a whole year. I was that pissed. She never tried to contact me either. She didn't tell me or invite me for a reason. And I knew what that was. And that reason meant that she had no idea who I was. So not only was I pissed, I was also very sad that even my best friend from my childhood, a person who I thought really understood me, had no clue who I was.
The following year I had an epiphany on New Year's Eve. I was tired of keeping my hurt feelings to myself and not letting people know when they had done me wrong in order to save them their feelings. Why should I keep it to myself? So they could just repeat it over and over? Screw that! I decided that I would use New Year Day to get all that unfinished bad business over with so that I could know that at least I had laid it out there. I could start the year feeling good about at least hitting those balls back into their court so that they could deal with it. So I sent out letters and emails to everyone that I had issues with. She was one of those people.
She called me as soon as she got it. She apologized for doing what she did. She said that she was afraid that I would try to talk her out of marrying the guy. I told her that if she felt that I would dislike him that badly that I would try to talk her out of it, then she must not have thought much of him herself. I told her that if I knew that she was happy with him, I would be happy for her. This is something she should have already known, because I have already had that talk with her. I also made it very clear that I was hurt that she would think that I would make a scene and try to stop their wedding. Seriously, does she even know me? I would NEVER do that!!
Then she tried to turn it around- "I am sorry. I know how it feels. I was really hurt that you never told me that you were pregnant with JD. I had to find out from Suzanne (my brother's wife) after you already had him. It really hurt me, because we were best friends and I felt that I should have been one of the first people that you told. So I know how you feel and I was wrong."
What a beautiful back-handed apology, huh? Well, this is all a little fabrication. I tried to contact her when I found out that I was pregnant. I called her house, but she never called back. She might have found out from my sister-in-law; but I myself told her only two months after I found out. I went up to visit family and was actually able to track her down and visit with her as well. I even told her that I would call her when I had him - AND I DID CALL HER!! FROM THE HOSPITAL THE DAY THAT I HAD HIM!! I have no idea where she gets this crap!
So here I am again, not telling her how I am bothered by this because I didn't want to add to the problems that she was already having. She never did call me back that night to try to get together. I don't like giving up on friends, but I'm fed up with trying. There really is only so much a person can do before they just feel like a sucker. And believe me, there is still plenty more she has done!
I know that you are thinking that she sounds awful and that you can't even understand how she was my best friend. For ten years we were tight and did almost everything together. We were there for each other through everything. We got in trouble together, too. Nothing like two weekends of reform classes to really bond two people together! ;) I mean, you just really could not ask for a better best friend. We consider each other a sister really. Which makes what she has been doing for the last fifteen years all the more difficult on me. If she had been less of a friend, I would have sloughed her off years ago. So what do you do when a
really good friend starts treating you like crap; especially one that does not take well to being confronted? I guess, perhaps another email is in order. Hey! New Year's Day
is almost here!
Feel like you need more info? Go here for the long version.
Your friend seems she got the message... Your email was very well-balanced and right on the target I think...
Rarely can I hold of myself so well! Usually I say what I think right away (which is bad) but most of the times I don't regret it (which is good!) since it saves me from more hassle in the future... Whatever works for everybody ;)
December 01, 2005 12:42 AM
Oh!!! And happy birthday for JD!
Should I ask how many girls are coming to the party? (heheheh)
December 01, 2005 12:43 AM
Very well-done e-mail to your friend! Congrats on saying what you wanted to say (and needed to say) while still leaving possibilities open.
Yay on the job ... as you've written before, things happen for a reason.
I know what you mean about the age of children - I met my stepdaughter when she was 11, and she's 19 now; it seems hard to think of her as a 19 year old. 19!!! Good heavens!
Have a great day! When do you start your new old job?
December 01, 2005 8:48 AM
Happy Bday to JD!!!
December 01, 2005 10:24 AM
Dr. Who, thanks! If I start a confrontation right away I always end up in attack mode because I am still too hurt. It is hard to wait and tell people once you have calmed down, because the longer you wait the less likely you are to say anything. That is why I love email. I can get out what I need to say and edit out any attacks that might pop up.
I think that at least half of JD's friends are girls. Would that look odd, a bowling party of one guy and ten girls?
Indiaiynke, thanks! It didn't even take me that long to write. Usually if I am angry I have to re-write for hours to get it just right. So I really don't think I was angry, just resolved.
I wouldn't actually start the job until January. That will really bite into our holiday. In years past, I wouldn't care because I didn't like Christmas, but I started a new tradition a few years back that I will hate to not take part in.
ORF, I'll let him know.
December 01, 2005 11:01 AM
I think that email was good and you've made a good decision.
Hope your teenager has a great time bowling.
December 01, 2005 11:34 AM
I think the email was a very diplomatic and mature solution. Bravo!
Ah! 13! Happy birthday JD!
December 01, 2005 1:36 PM
Those shocked looks on people's faces when they find out our ages get sweeter each year.
Yay! I'm visitor #8000! And, as we all know, big, important looking numbers that end with more than two zeros mean something, right?
December 01, 2005 2:07 PM
Pink Lady, thanks!
JD has been bowling with us several times and gets better everytime - but maybe the girls could show him some moves!
Shannon, thanks! I'm sure that we will get things worked out between ourselves, and if we don't - well at least I tried!
SSB, 8000 baby! Thanks for helping me over the top!
December 01, 2005 2:55 PM